Dear Mr. Somerhalder,
Just thinking about your near perfect existence makes it hard to decide where to start this letter, cause honestly your hotness make me dumb, so maybe I should start with your other super cool traits and work up to it. We’ll gloss over the whole unbearably attractive thing and talk about how it would be unfair for even a mildly attractive person to be as awesome of as you appear to be in interviews and on twitter.
Not only do a majority of your tweets have a dali lama-esque peace and good will to all quality, you also seem to genuinely appreciate the social influence your fame grants you and realize that with great power comes great responsibility. The Ian Somerhalder Foundation is proof you’re not just all happy thoughts, and that you actually do something about the the views you’re constantly tweeting. Although, to be completely honest, I am not sure what the foundation actually does (because according to the site it seems to be about saving all the good stuff on earth from bad stuff on earth and that’s not so specific…). Regardless, I think it must be awesome for two reasons:
- Your pretty mug founded it… and
- There are pictures of adorable animals and happy kids all over the site and any organization centered around cute animals and making kids smile has to be good! Right?
So yeah, that ISF thing seems pretty rad of you, and so is how you treat your fans. You don’t get all I’m too important to acknowledge the little people. You make more announcements about sending out autographs for fans and meet and great opportunities than anyone else I follow on twitter (and I follow a lot of people, many of whom I would be ashamed to mention… Kim Kardashian ahem ahem). You are willing to engage your followers, even the superfreak cyberstalkers who make mildly creepy youtube videos about you to Rascal Flats songs and secretly do voodoo rituals to ward off Nina and her ten meters of super fab legs. That combined with how humble and sweet you seem (and your face that is just too much) pushes the you are too awesome to exist quotient to the extreme.
Speaking of that face. My word. Even the horrible hairstyles they give you on the Vampire Diaries cannot ruin the masterpiece that is you genetic sequence. But seriously, let’s take a minute and discuss that hair. Karen Walker would says it’s got a little moose and squirrel in it and I tend to agree. If the goal of your hairstylist is to make you appear less attractive than Mr. Wesley with his perfectly coiffed bouffant, tell him or her close, but no cigar. I tend to think that’s not the reason though, because if they wanted us to find you less attractive we wouldn’t see you shirtless every other episode and wearing those crazy low cut pants. Where do they get those pants anyway? Does anyone actually sell pants with that low of a waist line or does The Vampire Diaries employ a little old lady to cut four inches down from the waistline of normal people pants and then sew the waist back on the whole time wondering what could be the purpose? She’s got to wonder because it’s not like they can tell her the viewers want to see Mr. Somerhalder’s happy trail because then they would have to explain what that terms means and that is no convo to be having with a nice little old lady, but I digress…
I would feel like I did not do you justice if I did not devote an entire paragraph to your eyes, Ian (can I call you Ian?), so how about we talk about that next? Ian, your eyes are the kind of blue that makes angels sing and unicorns weep. They are a shade of blue that technicians spend hours photoshopping onto other celebs whose eyes could never live up to the grandeur which is your own. They are a glorious otherworldly blue and I’m afraid that if I ever looked directly into them I would be turned to a pillar of salt. I’ll leave out the fact that you do that weird thing where you open them too wide in serious scenes and make me frightened that they will roll right out of your head and unto the floor because honestly, it just makes me fume a little and I like a little love hate in my relationships.
Your one major drawback is your love of cats. Some women would love this about you, for them it would make a you a demigod, the perfect male specimen, but for me it’s confirmation that you are not some kind of superhuman cloning experiment or a cyborg sent from the future to distract us with your good looks while you make us all go green. There is just something about a guy that likes cats that I find extremely unsettling. Don’t ask me why, maybe it say something about me and my own psychosis, instead of you, but cat guys freak me out and there is no ifs ands or buts about it. Perhaps that is why we would never work out, and it’s a good thing that you have Miss Dobrev and I have my own blue eyed Adonis at home who doesn’t like cats and keeps his eyes open to an acceptable degree.
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