5 Reasons… I wish I was taller

Image Credit: Morgan Brown

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, something about a rabbit with a bat and a 64 Impala. Now that I got that out of my system, I have to say I really do sympathize with poor skee-lo. My entire life I have wished I was just a little bit taller. Being short has some advantages. It adds to your stealth ability in crowded places, can be considered “cute” (if you see that as a positive), and a lower center of gravity always helps in a scuffle. But I’m pretty sure I would trade those perks for the ability to reach things on high shelves, so here are my top 5 reasons I wish I was taller…

1. I can never reach what I need. Somehow, whatever I need manages to sneak up to the highest shelf at the grocery store, or the top of my kitchen cabinets at the same time my step stool decides to go hide somewhere. How this manages to happen I’m not quite sure…

2. People know most of us feel a little bummed about not having grown up to be statuesque models and basketball players so they say stupid things to us like “good things come in small packages” to try and make us feel better. To this I say, bullshit. Pardon my french, but lots of crappy things come in small packages. Anyone who ever got what they expected to be the DVD they asked for from their weird aunt for christmas only to unwrap it and discover it’s a book of cat’s wearing people clothes can attest to that.

3. That’s an actual picture of short little me being an armrest for two much taller fellows. People do fun stuff like that to you when you’re short, they balance things on your head, pick you up, and call you “wee” amongst other amusingly demeaning things. It’s all in good fun, and in fairness to the two gentleman pictured above I posed for that picture, but you get the point. No one ever walks up to a person of average height and says “hey, let me throw you around like a rag doll.” That kind of stuff is reserved for short people and I would like to be excused.

4. Try buying pants. Most pants are made for people who are more vertically gifted than I resulting in me having to pay extra to get them hemmed because I’m too lazy to buy a new sewing machine and do it myself. And before you tell me some brands make short and petite, yes they do, but that starts me on a whole other tirade. How come the “short” pants don’t cost less than the “tall” pants? Why do I pay the same price for a yard less fabric on each leg? In what world is this fair? Certainly not in the one where I’m still short.

5. I get beer spilled on my head. Literally, happens at least once every time I am at a crowded concert or bar. I am not sure how being short makes me completely invisible, but it does, causing people to step on me, elbow me in the head, and spill things on me. I’m surprised short people don’t have higher insurance rates. Maybe that’s our gimme for the pants thing…

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