Over the centuries, fashion has fluctuated drastically. Many trends have come and gone, making their way out of our wardrobes and becoming the stuff of stale, musty secondhand stores, where they hang alongside itchy, moth-eaten, disheveled sweaters.
It’s a shame to leave such precious little treasures tucked away in cemeteries of extinct and dying trends, where they’ve been labeled either tacky or outdated simply by association. So, next time you’re scavenging the aisles of Goodwill or Savers, I’ve compiled, if you will, a treasure hunt, consisting of five fashion items I think should come out of hiding.
Behold, the floppy hat. The pinnacle of floppy fashion. Practical, as well as classy. Just slap on a floppy hat, red lips and sunglasses, and effortlessly hide a hangover or crappy hair day instantly.
Perhaps the reason floppy hats went out of fashion in the first place is that people are so “wired” they’re afraid to disconnect. Therefore, excursions into town or to the beach are minimal, most likely brief, and destitute of floppy hats. I think the key is to adapt old fashion trends to modern times. After decades of providing us with shade as well as style, in this age of innovation, floppy hats deserve an upgrade.
Their floppiness is advantageous not only in blocking sun but catching it. Due to their shape, the waves catch light from every angle. Why not harness solar energy to power smart phones, laptops, tablets, kindles, possibly a mini fridge? The bow could be a USB port. Honestly, the possibilities are endless. It’s a wonder no one’s thought of this before.
I tend to gauge the age of skirts the same as trees: I count the rings. A multitude of tiers suggests a dress that must be vintage. But each decade, skirts and dresses have receded, rung by rung. I for one am mystified, for women’s bodies haven’t gotten any smaller, yet we’ve been reduced to micro-mini skirts.
One theory as to why skirts seem to be experiencing reverse evolution is because of global warming. As the temperature increases, clothing shrinks accordingly. But did the climate crank the heat up, or did we?
It started with the bottom, which was understandable, because you know how gross the bottom of your blue jeans used to get from dragging all over the ground, and tripping must have been a hazard. I can see why women did away with layer number one.
After revealing our ankles, women leveled up again, unveiling our curvy calves. The knees were next, and then the thighs, and soon enough we’re out in public openly flashing our asses. Am I missing something here? Ladies, let’s face it, like fetch, you need to stop trying to make butt cleavage happen. It’s just not attractive.
Despite the obvious hassle of not being able to sit, hoop skirts might have been the most ingenious fashion contraption womankind has ever encountered. For instance, hoop skirts would be perfect during natural disasters: Shelter for stray animals and kids, as well as mom, who could retract into her skirt just like a turtle in its shell. I mean, if I had to be homeless, I’d be homeless in a hoop skirt, so at least I’d have a roof over my head.
Plus, if you’re falling an incredibly long distance for some reason, hoop skirts make for perfect parachutes. And by now, I’m sure we’re capable of manufacturing collapsibles, so as to make it easier to sit. The best part is it physically enforces social boundaries. People must maintain a certain distance at all times. As long as you have on your hoop skirt, a passersby will have to stand at least the radius of your skirt away. They’d have to widen all the sidewalks, but I think it would be worth it. Women would be safer walking down the street alone (from the waist down, at least).
Another fashion tragedy that I would like to bring to light is the extinction of the glove. You know, those ritzy, arm-length ones that women always used to wear. You never see them anymore, I guess because we’re all so busy on our phones, texting and instagramming everything we do.
Gloves make this difficult if not impossible. They’re not compatible with touch-screen anything. Thus, they’ve been deemed unnecessary, inconvenient, obsolete, but we could do with texting less incessantly if you ask me. So put your phone away for once (I promise it will be just fine stowed in your purse) and take a minute to slip into something elegant and sexy, and just sit there cell-phone-free.
For decades, men and women have depended on suspenders to keep countless socks and trousers on securely. It has always been a high priority to keep one’s pants safely afloat, that is, until the world discovered sagging. Maybe pants have gotten heavier, who knows, but even so that’s no excuse to wear them halfway down your ass. However badass you may think you are with your jeans bunched around your ankles, I guarantee you’ll look twice as fly when you strap on some spankin’ new suspenders.
They’re the perfect unisex accessory. If you’re a fidgeter, you’re set to just sit back and snap your straps. Add some swagger to your strip tease. Put some oomph into your outfit. Buckle up, so you can keep your bottoms on.
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